Royksopp - What else is there?

It was me on that road
But you couldn`t see me
Too many lights out, but nowhere near here

It was me on that road
Still you couldn`t see me
And then flashlights and explosions

Roads are getting nearer
We cover distance but not together
I am the storm and I am the wonder
And the flashlights, nigthmares
And sudden explosions

I don't know what more to ask for
I was given just one wish

It's about you and the sun
A morning run
The story of my maker
What I have and what I ache for

I`ve got a golden ear
And cut and I spear
What else is there?
Roads are getting nearer
We cover distance still not together

If I am the storm if I am the wonder
Will I have flashlights, nightmares, sudden explosions

There is no room where I can go and
You`ve got secrets too

I don`t know what more to ask for
I was given just one wish

Cranky

Want to die. Hate being played for a fool. Hate it. It has to be done now. I don't want to play with him anymore. He makes me sad. More sad than happy. And unsatisfied. And unsure. I know now I need more than this. I know now he can give me no more than this. A pity. But the truth. He may just be a very busy man with a fetish for kink. Which is all well and good. If I was just a busy girl with a fetish for kink also. But I'm not. I thought I could do this but I can't. It's too much for me. At the end of the day I really am delicate. I need to be nurtured and tutored and treasured. Not quickly used and embraced and then left to my own devices till next time. I want, no I crave instruction and discipline from a strong man who is willing to take the time to develop me to perfection, not to just satisfy a short term need. This is not a true dominant / submissive relationship. It's not really much of a relationship at all. And it is stagnating. Maybe he knows that too. Oh well. I just don't give a fuck. I'm bored. I'm tired. And I am so much better than this.

Congrats are in order :)

Oh and I'm a real nurse now, girl got her registration !!

Driving me crazy

I guess a new chapter is due. I need to go and buy cigarettes but it's so cold outside, it has been for a week or two now. Damn Melbourne winter. Ok, rugged up now I have managed to convince myself. Be right back.

Well, where to start. girl has been seeing Sir on a weekly basis now. We go to his house now. He lives in a studio apartment with glass panels on the roof, I hope I get a chance to see it during the day. Sir remains very busy with his work and I still worry that he is not as committed to this as me. When I am with him, in his arms I know it's alright but after a few days I start to think silly thoughts. For now I will give him the benefit of the doubt.

Sir has lived there for 8 years, so he is definitely not married. He said you can go up on the roof and that he will take me up there when I'm not wearing my heels. He loves the footy. His team has had a good run but I just read they lost. Damn. I don't really follow footy only out of respect for Sir.

He bought a gorgeous little black suede whip. I knelt at his feet in my corset and skirt, with my red lips (finally he almost approved) and gagged as he fucked my face until I vomit in my mouth. He makes me show him then I swallow. I deep throat him as best as I can till he comes in my mouth. So freakin perverted, I love it. I get ordered to stand up as he tells me he has bought a whip. I moan in anticipation and he tells me to fix myself up.

As I finish and turn for his approval, he tells me more red lipstick, I turn towards the mirror and he lifts my skirt. The first blow is heavenly as Sir continues to whip girl harder and harder. girl gasps as she reapplies her lipstick flawlessly. When he stops and walks away she has to steady herself against the mirror, giggling as she looks at the state she is in. Delicious.

Afterwards he tells her that he has never hit anyone that hard before. girl says that she wants it so much harder. Sir calls her a pain slut. girl loves it.

Sir invites girl to sit on the couch with him and shows him some porn. It makes girl wet and she wants to touch her cunt, later regretting that she didn't try to just to see what Sir would have done.

He whips her again, bent over the couch this time, and starts to play with her ass first with his hands and tongue, then with his gorgeous cock alternating with striking girl on the ass and shoulders.

He starts to fuck girl's ass, she leans into his thrusts but it is too much as he comes close to entering her fully, the stupid slut cannot take it and she cries out.

Sir pulls out immediately and pulls her upright. girl feels suddenly empty and ashamed that she could not take all of Sir's cock. He holds her close, she knows he is not upset and leads her over to suck his cock. He comes deep in her throat and girl feels safe knowing she has not done so badly.

Next time he tells her he will piss in her mouth. "Take off whatever you don't want me to piss on, slut." girl removes her skirt and corset. She kneels in his bathroom in front of the toilet. When she taste Sir's piss it is much better than she imagined. He whips her again. Then he tells her to clean herself up.

They tidy up together. girl loves that.

Sir kisses her after she has cleaned up. They sit on the couch and cuddle. He kisses her forehead and strokes her head. She leans into his Sirness and sighs in satisfaction and delight.

They watch the footy show and laugh together, Sir cradles girl in his big arms and holds her tight sometimes, kissing her face and lips. They both cannot stop smiling at each other.

He drives her home. They listen to The Killers. He kisses her before she goes inside.

Sir is going to take girl shopping. And to get her tongue pierced with a gold piercing. And he said he may have to get a new whip as the first one is not nasty enough.

Yay!

Musing..

I go out to conquer the world then return to you and kneel at your feet
Satisfied you will protect me and celebrate my strength

I give you my mind and body for your pleasure
Treasure them, as they are a rare and precious gift

Raise me from kneeling to heights I’ve never imagined
Send me crashing back down

Again and again and again

Then bring me back to life with your embrace

What is mine, is yours to make your own.

Silly Test

Your Score: Slave

You are 79 submissive and 86 into pain!

Here we have you, highly submissive and willing to take quite some pain for your Master. Really good girl.

Link: The female submission Test written by Patricia1978 on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Impatient slut

Sir is too nice to me lately. It makes me edgy and happy at the same time. I worry that he has another girl, a nastier slut than me that I play substitute for. I also worry that he may actually just like girl.

I know he is busy but I can’t help but wonder. Especially when he hasn’t taken me to his house. Maybe he is ashamed because it is messy but doesn’t he understand I need more of him? More of the different parts of him. Why does he always pop in and out? Will there ever be a time when he spends the night or I at his? What am I to him? Does he value me and if he does what is it he values about me?

I get my knickers in a knot over him. Means that I like him. Or I wouldn’t care. And it’s not as if there is a shortage of male talent around. But Sir is divine. 6’4 big broad shoulders, muscly but still potential for more…mm he makes me weak at the knees. Soft kissable lips. A strong measured hand, disciplined from karate.

Why am I complaining? girl wants to be punished. He has only played with her so far yet hints that he wants to push so much farther. girl wants it. She wants Sir to make her cry and scream and then be tender and gentle with her.

It confuses her when he is only gentle and loving. girl finds it hard to accept. Maybe that is something that girl needs to address. She needs to stop topping from the bottom. Sir knows best and until he hurts her or she is unhappy she should shut her mouth and appreciate whatever it is that Sir is handing out. And try to learn some patience… :)

girl has joined the gym and her muscles are sore from training the last few days. When I lose another 9 kg Sir is going to fuck me and fuck me again and again. And choke me as he fucks me with his big cock. Mmmm. His words. Can't wait *evil giggle* I'm happy I met him. My life is on track. I am just about to be registered as a nurse, I love my house (although I have a bone to pick with one of the flatmates)I truly love my job and I have lost so much weight and continue to. I want to be 60kg but I want to be healthy. girl did 50 mins of cardio and about 45 of strength training. I love it. I never thought I would but I do.

Sir is going to buy me some boots and also I may be getting my tongue pierced. Everybody is very opposed but you know what.. I don't care a great deal lol. Sir is happy for me to get a gold piercing so that suits me just fine. girl doesn't wear silver as a general rule. She can be a bit of a princess like that :) I feel better after writing. I should do it more.

Not brutal enough..

Sir drags girl across the floor, half crawling, one hand gripping her hair, the other holding an arm while she screams and feebly attempts to strike and kick out at him. Her knees are bleeding from the floor as Sir hauls her bodily onto a bench. Slapping her almost too hard across the face, Sir binds her arms and legs, and leaves her naked except her boots and bra, still struggling. "Fucking dirty slut, you can stay there" as he dumps a bucket of cold water over her face and body. She splutters and he walks away to prepare.

girl is quite cold and uncomfortable, even by her standards, by the time Sir returns with his equipment. she has calmed down by now, like he knew she would, even though she is still crying silently.

He cleans a patch of skin with the alcohol and takes the scalpel and draws it over girls skin, lightly at first. she winces a little and he slaps her. "Don't you dare move you stupid whore...do you want Sir to make a mistake?" He cuts a second time, and watches as the redness beads along the line he has drawn. Sir makes deeper cuts again until girls blood trickles across her skin. He stops after awhile and admires his handiwork. He runs his finger along the first few cuts and offers it up to girl. she takes his finger in her mouth and cleans it, her blood tastes metallic. "Good slut" as he unties her. "Up."

girl gets to her feet as gracefully as she can, Sir directs her to the bathroom and up to the toilet. "Kneel" girl lets out a gasp as she rests on her battered knees, Sir snatches up her hair and makes her look at him as he laughs at her. "Aren't you looking like a messy slut?" "Yes Sir." "Sir is going to take a piss in girl's mouth, lean over the toilet bowl, slut." girl kneels higher, out over the toilet bowl, raising her face towards Sir's cock as he lets loose a golden stream. Sir's piss mingles with the blood on girl's skin, washing some of it off. "Drink, slut" girl gulps at the last of his piss, swallowing eagerly.

Sir smiles at girl, "Good girl...now clean yourself up, you're a mess." he chuckles, "Sir can't stand to look at you."

"Yes Sir, thank you."

Limbo

I go nowhere high, go nowhere warm.
Until I see your smile and feel your calm.

And I lick a dime, I crave for you boy.
You're like a parachute descending from the sky.

Yes I'm sure you're on your way home.
Yes I'm sure you're on the road.

Time.

Story for Sir

"What matters, is their willingness to suffer at your will. Only then will you have power, not merely over the body, but also the mind and the heart."

A quote from somewhere. It really strikes a chord with me. I told Sir I wanted to play harder next time we saw each other. So I wrote a story for him, since he asked for my suggestions. I'm much better at stories than suggestions.

Dear Sir,

girl wants you to kidnap her, take her prisoner. she would be dressed sexily, walking along and smoking with her red lips as Sir pulls up next to her. girl and Sir would pretend they had not met before and Sir would offer her a ride. girl would decline at first and Sir would become more forceful, insisting in whatever manner he chose, that he give this pretty (slutty) lady a ride home. girl is frightened by this stage and against her better judgement gets into his car, thinking she will take the ride and appease him. Little does she know..

She looks over at him as he pulls out from the kerb. He glances back, looking her up and down, "Where do you want to go?" She tells him and he nods, giving her a smile. girl looks out the window relaxing a little. After a while she realises he is driving in the opposite direction to what she has said...as she turns around to protest his hand slaps her, hard on her face. Reeling from the blow, she senses the car slowing down to a stop. One hand suddenly tight on her throat, the other on her cunt, "You'll do what I say slut, or you die...understand? She struggles..he slaps her again. "Understand?" "Yes" "Yes what?!" Another smack. She starts to cry..."Yes Sir" He grabs her chin and raises her eyes to his, wiping away a tear. "Good girl...get out of the car now"

Sir ties her hands behind her back, gags and blindfolds her. She whimpers, then goes quiet when she hears the draw of a blade and the cold steel against her neck. "Know when to shutup, slut." He orders her back into the car and they drive for awhile in silence. She tries to take note of where they were going but it's impossible. Sir watches her squirm, only touching her as he pulls into the drive. He caresses her face, nuzzles her neck before getting out and helping her out of the car. "I'm going to lead you inside..no screaming" he whispers into her ear. To accentuate his point Sir lets girl feel the point of the knife in her back. He leads her, she feels clumsy and small in front of him, worried she'll fall. Over the threshold and she hears the door close behind them. He leads her to a spot and removes the gag. "Kneel" "What?" Quick as a flash he snatches up her hair, and slaps her again across her face. "Kneel!" She complies.

What seems like hours later, Sir returns with a pillow to put under her knees. She kneels again, so much softer though. He stands up over her. "Take my cock out" Wrapping his hand around her hair he pulls her mouth onto him, "Suck it my dirty little whore." She moans and he knows he's got her, he starts to fuck her face making her choke, harder, girl vomits and holds it in her mouth, pulling away, ashamed. He makes her show it him then "Spit it into this glass" As depraved as this is she knows she is wet. He fucks her face again, she vomits a few more times, "I'm going to cum in your mouth slut. When I do you are not to swallow it till I say so." girl moans her agreement. Suddenly Sir is driving his cock even harder into girl's throat and holding her head down on him. Sir groans and girl feels him explode against the back of her throat, his cock unloading hot cum into girl's mouth. She wonders how long she can hold Sir's cum in her mouth, but she know that she won't fail. There is no way girl will take the risk of disobeying him. She hears him walk away. She hears the TV come on. girl waits. And waits.

The TV turns off. Music is put on. Then his footsteps getting closer. "Good little slut..does girl like the taste of Sir's cum?" he chuckles softly, knowing full well that she cannot answer him. girl nods. Gesturing for girl to stand up she rises and Sir leads her to the wall. "Now lean your head back a little, open your mouth, and let my cum spill out over your chin, down your chest, I want you rub it in." girl does as he orders, letting the mix of Sir's cum and her saliva run out over her lips and chin, down her neck and over her breasts as she rubs his cum into her skin. "Turn around slut" She is not at all expecting his hand on her ass and jumps at the first blow. "Count" Sir strikes her again harder. "Count, slut!" "...one" "two" "three". As each strike falls girl's mind says "Oh my god, that can't continue" but the second the pain fades she begins to crave it again. And again. The tenth stroke comes late but a whole lot harder, more stinging. She misses her count, stunned at the different sensation. "Did I say to stop counting, stupid whore?" "No Sir" He lashes her a second time with the whip. "Eleven" They both lose count, Sir grunting with the exertion and girl crying out in delight and pain. Sir manages to catch girl as her knees go out from under her and gently lowers her to the floor.

Sir removes the blindfold and she looks up at him. girl sinks into him as he cradles her, his hand lightly tracing the bones of her tear streaked face, "Good baby girl...you did very well, Sir is pleased." He kisses her, toying with her lips and teasing with his tongue. Playing with her hair. girl is putty in his hands.

"girl, Sir is going to fuck you in the ass...turn over." girl gets on her hands and knees, and gasps as Sir spanks her pussy. "Such a dirty little slut girl, so wet from Sir's punishment." She feels his hard cock rubbing back and forth across her pussy and ass. The head of his cock slowly but insistently pushing into her hole. Sir spits on her ass and lubricates his cock more as he enters her. She cries out in protest but Sir has already filled her up, starting to move faster inside her. "Touch yourself while I fuck you in the ass, you're not to cum until I say" Sir snatches up girl's hair and gives it to her as she screams for him to stop. He ignores her and continues to pound her relentlessly. Her moans of distress turn into words of encouragement for Sir to fuck her harder, faster. "Sir, may I cum please?" girl begs. "Not yet" he grunts, girl groans, just on the verge, holding her orgasm at bay until Sir gives her the word. Sir continues fucking her ass relentlessly until he explodes deep inside her. "Cum now slut." girls body convulses against Sir as she cums together with him..

"What do you say, my slut girl?" "Thank you Sir." girl smiles.

girl xo

Redemption

I can still smell Him, feel his lips playing with mine, his cock choking me as he fucks my mouth, my hands on the back of his legs pulling him in harder and deeper. How tall he is when he stands over me. Him spanking me and licking my asshole. Now that made me jump lol. "Sir is going to cum on your face, girl." "Really Sir?" girl kneels at his feet "I want some in my mouth though, Sir." I never want Him to go but I know that is me being selfish. Sir astounds me. He never fails to surprise me. He leans back on the bed. "Show me how you smoke.." girl lights a cigarette and french inhales the smoke curling around her lips."Good" "Your ass was so red..did you like what I was doing with my tongue?" "Yes Sir!" I giggled "Very much" We lay on the bed for an hour or so, just kissing and touching. I love the way he grabs my hips, my face, my throat. Feels the bone structure. His breath all jagged as his slaps my face. The way he makes me feel so little. The way he looks at me, as if he is so delighted with His girl. Down to 72 kg, Sir said he could notice the difference, another 12kg to go. He didn't care that the wannabe slut ran away I think he was amused that she got so freaked out. Anyway I certainly didn't care. I know I haven't written in such a long time. I haven't really felt the urge I suppose. I have been seeing Sir for a while now and we decided I would look for another girl to play with. To cut a long story short I invited my flatmate to join us but I think it really freaked her out. Whoops. She seemed excited but then texted me today and wasn't here when we got back. I hope we haven't offended her lol.

I never expected what this is. I don't even know what this is. I don't know what to think or do. I mean I do, but I feel as if I'm falling in love with Him. There I said it. I never expected the tenderness. The way he grabs me by the chin so I look up into His eyes. Plays with my hair. Grabs me and nuzzles his face into my neck. He was so gentle tonight. It fucking kills me. Should I be feeling this way? When do the games stop and real life begin? The lines are all blurred. I wish I knew what he thought. I'd like to think I know what He thinks, I imagine what I want Him to be thinking, but at the end of the day who knows, and you know what who damn well cares? I'm going with it. I'm not into resisting much at the moment. He picked me up from work I was really nervous. "So this is what you wear to work?"

Oh dear, what can the matter be..?

I think that Sir is not who I think he is. He seems dissatisfied with me and unwilling to communicate. At least he could have the integrity to let me know I am unwanted. I emailed him last night but I got the distinct impression he didn't want to speak, but he was online on the website that I met him on. Yes I was spying but I was curious to see. I had deleted my account but I have opened it again now. I'm not chatting to anyone just posting on and reading the forums. I wonder what he does on there that is so important that he cannot spare a moment to talk to me? I am being demanding but I need to know where I stand with him. If I'm being played for a fool then he can damn well be a man and be honest with me about it. So he will know I have been online if he cares to look. I want to email and confront him but just maybe he has something else going on his life. Not that I'm excusing him, but I don't want to jump to conclusions because I do like him, and I don't want to mess it up unnecessarily. If I do see him again I will speak to him about how I feel. Hopefully it matters to him. Strangest feeling that it won't. Oh well, you live and learn. Oh and I can french inhale now. I wish I could show him to see if he approves.

A little bit sad.

I cried because of Sir tonight. I'm feeling miserable because he seems so dissatisfied with me. I wrote an email this morning and I thought it had sent but it mustn't of, because Sir did not email me back. Not knowing this I wrote a short note tonight and he was not happy, saying he had already responded, but he had actually replied to another email I wrote last night. He is now more intense in regards to the way he speaks to me in his emails. It's always dumb slut and stupid bitch. No more good girls. I feel inadequate and it makes me question what I'm doing. Anyway, I repeated my email from this morning - adding yet another apology, I wonder if I should stop apologising - I'm just trying to be polite. He would have already been asleep when I sent it. Maybe I should just stop whining and being a dumb slut and a stupid bitch. There's always two sides to the story.

Thinking of Sir..always

I miss Sir. I always do though. He stays with me in everything I do. I imagine him behind me watching my every move. I couldn't french inhale. I can now occasionally and I have been practising each time I have a cigarette. In the mirror when I can. I want to get it right for him. We took a drive the other night. He took me to dinner and I had a questionable "mediterranean" salad. Then he spanked me on the way home. Hard. As he was driving. I really liked it. On the way to dinner I took my stockings off, Sir was not happy that he didn't have free access to my cunt. I wore black leather gloves. He instructed me I was to leave them on at all times unless I was eating. He told me to make myself come. I couldn't. It was like there was some sort of invisible barrier. I was very turned on but I just couldn't get there. Sir seemed smugly satisfied. Maybe that was the plan. I didn't mind. For me it's not about my orgasm. If Sir allowed me to have one then all the better, but it just doesn't seem that important to me at this stage. I actually like that it's denied.

We spoke about knifeplay and he had brought a kitchen knife with him. I have a set of knives in my room that are much more seductive, which Sir quickly discovered after we went back to my house. I want to go to his home. I know I won't for a long time, but I long to just see how he lives. I want to know who he is. I can't help but be slightly obsessed with him. I love the control he has over me. I wonder if it's unhealthy sometimes, if this is not right, but I know that's my conditioning speaking. I'm still functioning and going about my everyday life but it's always in the back of my mind. I want to wallow in it. Why should I be afraid of it? I know that this is what I came to the party for, but I will still hold myself in check, and be as measured as I can be, at least just for now.

We lay on the bed and he trailed the knife over my body. So gentle, I wanted it harder but I left that for another time. Gently , gently, as I bared my neck to the blade. I watched as his eyes grew darker as he drew the steel across my skin, not marking it, I wondered if he really wanted to cut me..I'm a little bit curious about that. I was looking at the scalpels at work and thinking how I could teach him how to do it in a sterile manner and maybe he could cut me ever so lightly..I could teach him how to dress it. I know I'm depraved..I don't give a fuck.

Sir wants me to walk around with his cum in mouth, and wear panties soaked in urine. His or mine. girl is a bit concerned about the urine but she will do it. When he was spanking me this is what my mind thought. "Fuck that hurts" "Oh.." And again. And again. It was absolutely exquisite. Sir stayed with me after. He is so good to me. The change in him never ceases to amaze me. He really is a gorgeous man, and so tall and muscular, might I add. He loves karate. His eyes light up when he tells me about it. One more cigarette then bed. Practising ;) He wore the shirt that he was wearing in the picture he sent to me when we first met. Bed now. I'll have to write another time. Tell the story properly. Goodnight Sir.

You Are In a Fantastic Mood

You're confident, focused, and on top of your game. People are attracted to your energy right now. This is the time to go for it - you're likely to get what you want!

What Mood Are You In?

Funny.

Good morning sunshine..

I am feeling a lot better. Sir has been sick too, he thinks he had the flu. It's a terrible time of year for colds and flus, now we are coming into winter. I was annoyed I could not do anything to help. He is so busy with his work at the moment too. We spoke again the other day. He asked if I was feeling better, and we exchanged a few emails. Later on that evening I sent him my post that I had written awhile ago about when he took me out to dinner. He liked it. I'm glad he appreciates my writing. he is the first person I have really shared it with. Well I only really just started...but you know what I mean. He said he does think about me, and yes I am not nasty enough but that is of no concern to him. He says I am like a blank canvas, and if he chooses to become my master I will be moulded into the slut he desires.

Sir is very perverted. He scares girl a bit. She wonders what sort of depraved path he will make her walk down. Then in the back of her mind a small voice giggles softly yet decidedly. She knows that the dark recesses of his mind are no match for her corruption. She can take what he wants to dish out, but I hope he will still let me be a bit of a princess. :) I am to practise my french inhales, Sir expects them to be well improved the next time we meet. I miss him. This strange, yet impossibly intriguing man who makes me go weak at the knees. The cafe across the street just opened. Best coffee in the city. I swear. And the man that runs the coffee shop is this beautiful italian man. Now he also makes me go weak at the knees.

I have a small dilemma I suppose. Well, not really. My only problem is that I want to continue seeing Sir, but I also want to take a leap of faith and pursue sexy cafe man. The only trouble with that is, that he is very charming to everyone he meets. Now he is charming to me and also regularly slips some sexual innuendo into the conversation. I know he wants to meet someone. So the age old question..do I put myself on the line or just continue to enjoy his company? Sexy cafe man is successful and I see him as a bit out of my league, but I've known him a year and we are quite amicable. He is not as tall as Sir but he is more built, and oh so sexy. (Did I mention that, lol?) And 4 years older. He looks like he should be dominant. His body language towards me suggests he would be. But you just never know. Love to find out. ;)

I do so love men who are a bit older than my self. I've never been into boys. I can remember all through high school, even towards the end of primary school, all of my sexual fantasies revolved around the handsome younger teachers. It's funny to think back on it. Such a dirty little slut. Sir calls me that. "Goodnight my dirty little slut". I love it. I love the picture I took of myself to send him last week. Sir approved. Best picture ever. When I'm less paranoid I'll post it on here.

Ok, shower time. I might be back to write after I get coffee. What better way to start your day than with a hot shower, a hot man and a hot coffee. :) Life is so sweet. *sighs with contentment*

Oh, one more thing. I'm going to get a tattoo I've been planning it. Writing in ancient filipino script - alibata. It will say pride / strength, honour and submission. It will have a image of sampaguita jasmine, the national flower of the philippines, and I want some sort of wing design. It will sit in the upper middle part of my back. Symmetrical. I'll put up a pic of some ideas I've got so far.

My ear hurts

Like i just said, my ear really hurts. I think I might have an ear infection. I have to work tomorrow because I need the money, I already had a few days off last week and they are still shitty about that. I feel terrible. I wrote a draft email to "Sir" basically saying that it's obvious he's not serious about pursuing anything with me. I didn't send it though. I figure I'll wait till I'm feeling a bit more normal before I do. He politely replies to my emails and requested I send him a picture, and I did. It was a pretty hot picture if I do say so myself. Then nothing else. Do I just wait for him to call me or email me? He prefers I don't make calls or text to his mobile. Maybe he's married, lol. It's starting to actually bore me. God, my ear hurts. I'm not sure if I should go to the hospital or not. It's midnight but I don't think I can sleep. What will they do for me apart from give me painkillers? I'm really miserable at the moment. Poor me.

Tell Sir

Tell Sir what you would like to happen next time we are together. Of course, largely it is my decision what happens. But nonetheless I want girl to paint a picture ...

I’m wearing my boots, and red lipstick, I know that you noticed it’s absence last time we met. I can feel your eyes on me as I walk to your car. I walk and smoke sexily, looking at you then averting my eyes downward, I know better than to stare. I take the last few steps and open the car door, my stomach is in knots and my cunt feels warm as I slide in next to you. I look up and meet your eyes, you reach for me and grasp my chin, angling my face towards the street light. “Good girl.” You approve. You lift my leg to check the heel on my boots. As I finish my cigarette, “Come here, girl.” I scoot across closer, you grab the back of my neck and cover my mouth with yours, all tongue and teeth, then a whisper of soft lips. You breathe into my ear, your hand caressing my jaw and clutching at my throat “Are you sure you want this?” “Yes Sir, I’m sure.” You pull away, “Let’s go then.” We drive to your house, as we pull in, you turn off the car and pass me something. “Put it on” I ask for your help. I hold my hair out of the way as you tighten the blindfold across my eyes. The anticipation is killing me as you lead me inside. Your hand is firm on mine, comforting and exciting me all at once, I’m really not sure what to expect. You lead me to a spot and order me to kneel. The floor is hard on my knees as I rest my hands in my lap, unsure of where to place them. I can feel your eyes on me, although you say nothing. “I want you to turn left and crawl about 2 metres on your hands and knees. You will reach up and find a riding crop. Place it in your mouth and crawl back to where you were kneeling and wait for further instructions.”

Sir says;

This is not about your wants.

This is not about your needs.

This is not about your limits.

This is not about your pain barrier.

I care about your ability to serve,

I care about your insecurities and fears for without my understanding of them, you won't be able to serve properly,

I care about your ability to be whatever I want you to be that particular day,

I care about your ability to dress how I wish you to,

I care about your determination to be the best slut you can be.

My definition of Domination

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Quotes

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I lack patience.

I admit I must seem impatient, and even demanding. Not good qualities for a submissive to possess. I want to feel that familiar pressure on my throat, while He slaps my face demanding my attention. I am craving the unexpected sting as He welts the flesh on my backside. The sharp stab of pain as He wraps my hair around His hand, pushing me to my knees and forcing His hard cock into my mouth, before fucking my face like it is a cunt. I want to struggle, blindfolded, my wrists chafing against the ropes He has bound me with, then accept my punishment because I should know better. I want to arouse Him to a point where He wants to hurt me, be so beautiful He resents me for it.

Insomnia and philosophy.

I want to explain myself a bit more. I am a great disbeliever in coincidences. I'm not at all saying that a person's fate or destiny is set in stone. I believe you can alter your path for better or for worse, but once choices are made, either way there are lessons to be learnt. I believe each and every person that you meet, you have the opportunity to learn something from, and grow as a person yourself. Now this is all well and good in theory, but does this strategy work in the real world? I say yes. Even though it appears that there is no point to things, most always there will be one there, staring you in the face. Our perception is a combination of what we allow ourselves to believe, and what we know for sure is our reality. I suppose for some there is a blurrier line between the two. This is perhaps a benefit and a failing at the same time.

I think I must be lacking in red. Maybe I should eat a tomato or something. I haven't slept tonight. I've been reading my book and thinking. I've been thinking more than reading in fact. Smoking and drinking a few cups of tea with. I've come to the conclusion that I need to take a big deep breath and take a good look at my life. There are parts of my life that need attention, and I need to deal with these things so I can tackle this with a clear head, heart and soul. I think I'm just transferring. God, I need some sleep. I've come a long way though. This is teaching me more about myself than ever before. Sort of like a crash course in Bella. I'm so funny. Goodnight, or good morning should I say?

Very interesting! Well, maybe not that interesting..

You Should Get An Asian Inspired Tattoo

Mysterious and expressive You like to show off, but you also like to keep some allure

What Tattoo Should You Get?

I've always wanted to get a tattoo, but I've never wanted to get something that was meaningless to me. Like a unicorn or a rose. If I get a tattoo it will represent something significant. Before I left for work yesterday I was looking at some, none of them really stood out except the bdsm kanji symbols. There were a few on a website I found, I can't remember the url, some of them really caught my eye, they convey several meanings with one symbol, ie. beautiful slut girl. ;) Then I saw the silly quiz - what do you know? Funny.

Hmmm.

So I sat here like an idiot, and he logged into messenger. I sort of alluded to the fact that I was freaking out a little and he told me to relax. See, look how relaxed I am Sir!! How can I not be emotionally involved in this? I know myself better than to think I can do this. Damn it! I just changed my mind. As I wrote that sentence. I will do it. I can't expect to hit pay dirt on my second shovel load now can I? Just deal with it. I feel so flippant. My moods are like the ocean (la la la) no not really, they are more like moods - totally unpredictable. I think I am doing the expectation thing and I need to stop. He really is a pretty nice guy. He said he logged into msn to speak to me though, so enough of the negative bullshit. Give it a chance, I tell myself. Although I am impatient, and demanding it seems, I am determined to end this on a good note. I will stay true to my journey and to myself.

"I will not be just a tourist in the world of images, just watching images passing by which I cannot live in, make love to, possess as permanent sources of joy and ecstasy." Anais Nin

I do need to relax, don't I?

Blah....

This isn't a search for submission, I don't know what the hell it is. Actually I do. It's called - being used - for the uneducated among us. I am shitty. And cranky. I wish I could explore this need inside me with someone who is willing to extend on it. I wish my experiences weren't confined to a car. At this rate I'm going to get bored with sucking cock. (oh, how scandalous) Yeah, sure he came inside and we played a bit. People get bored. I am bored. Is this all there is? Dumb question, I know. I can hear all of your voices out there saying all those helpful things. Be patient. Take things as they come. Live in the moment. If it's meant to happen it will. I KNOW ALL OF THIS. I am not stupid, or dimwitted. I know I am being used and I am being patient, taking things as they come, living in the moment. Trying to find my way in this stupid maze they call life. Work was crappy tonight. Might have something to do with my mood, hmmm. I'm sick of not being acknowledged. In all areas of my life. It's starting to wear me down, so I suppose I had to crash and burn sooner or later. Sooner, rather than later it seems. Fuck you, Sir. And yes I will still capitalise your name, but only because I am polite, lol. I actually do hope you are having fun, out with your trendy mates. Thank you for taking the most vulnerable part of me and disregarding it. Although it doesn't surprise me that much. I was just hopeful. I guess I'm sore because I'm at home on a Friday night by myself, I'm sick, work is pissing me off and I'm feeling used and abandoned. I don't want to be submissive if all it means is that I suck random men's cock's and then be ignored. I never thought that was what it was about. I wanted to be treasured and hated at the same time because I'm so sexy. I want to be ravished and tied up so I can struggle and then be told that I'm not allowed. I want to be spanked and made to cry even though my cunt is dripping wet. I want a big strong man to hold me down while I beg for him to take me, but all he does is keep teasing. I don't know what I want anymore. I'm disillusioned. Negative nancy, over and out.

Dear Sir...

Dear Sir,

As I write this I am thinking about you. How I smoked sexily and french inhaled for you. You seemed satisfied with me. I am thinking about the way your eyes searched mine, and the way my hands seem so small when you are caressing them. The way I just want to melt into you. How each "good girl" makes me want to please you even more. I am thinking of your hand on the back of my head, forcing your cock deeper into my throat. I think of you kissing me like an animal, all tongue and teeth, and the gentle kisses, licks and nibbles in between. I remember your hand on my throat and me not knowing where to put my hands, happy to let them rest where they fell. How your hand slapped my face as you pulled away from me, then came back to ravish me once more. Your closeness. And when you pushed me away and looked at me as if you hated me for being so sexy. Your strong hands grabbing my leg and my ass, the urgent, yet measured roughness as you groped me. The buckle of your belt, and the button and zipper on your jeans. The way you smell as I take your cock in my mouth, the way you must smell when you get out of the shower. Your moans of encouragement as you came in my mouth. The taste of you as you watched me swirl your cum around in my mouth. I tell you after I nearly vomited over your cock. You laugh "I'd like to see that one day." You're so depraved, but it's so real...and I love it. I love every second of it. How after, you lay with me, and stroked my head, and played with my hair. You chuckled softly, saying I was gorgeous and sweet. The most submissive girl he had ever met. I'm hoping that is a good thing. I worry a little that you meant I wasn't nasty enough for you, but I wanted to stay forever in that moment. I felt little and safe in your powerful arms, and I felt satisfied because you seemed happy with me. You said you couldn't wait to spank me. The very thought sent a shiver down my spine and my cunt tingled. I said I couldn't wait either. "I bet you can't", you laughed. "Did you think we would have sex tonight?" I replied that I didn't expect that at all, that I sort of knew that we wouldn't. "Good girl" You were tired, and yawned. I played with your hair. "Go home" I said. I got the feeling you didn't like me giving you orders. Whoops. I walked you to the door, after you put your boots on. You seemed slightly reluctant yet determined to go.

I liked that you ordered for me, I knew you would pick the salad, and I knew you were testing me too. You drank coke and I had a glass of water. The food took ages to come, they must have been busy, I was annoyed that Sir had to wait, going hungry. Our waitress was friendly but quite mad, she was european with a strong accent. When she delivered our meals, she told us a big story about something. I didn't understand a word she said, and later asked if you did. You replied "Not a word" That was funny. I couldn't eat all my salad. It was a big salad. I don't think you minded. You liked what I wore, my boots. No red lipstick. I know you noticed. There will be next time, Sir, I promise. I always try my hardest. Goodnight strong, dominant Sir. You're probably already asleep. I hope you thought of me when you were getting ready for bed. I hope you have more planned for me. I hope that you think I deserve more. I want so much more.

Love beautiful slut girl

Sunday night.

I had chatted to you before a few times but we made a time that we would meet online. I played frisbee in the park and had a few drinks on Sunday afternoon with some friends but I was thinking of our "appointment" the whole time. I had sent you the start of my story and my list and you seemed intrigued by both. You would be online at 6:00pm, but if I missed you, you'd be online later around 10pm. I logged on later at about 10:15pm and we spoke at length, small talking, finding out what aroused each other. For some reason I told you I hadn't used the blindfold. I'll clear that up later, or maybe I just won't use it. We found we had quite a lot in common, although there were few things that I found questionable. Give me time, I thought. You'd had a lot more experience than me. You were respectful and polite all the time we spoke, but scared me a little bit. In a good way. Scared and excited me at the time. Maybe scared isn't the word I'm looking for. More a feeling of trepidation I suppose. What a fantastic word, lol.

You set me a task. Red lipstick and a cigarette. You wanted a picture. I sent a couple, you seemed impressed.

"Would you describe yourself as spontaneous?" I replied yes. You suggested going I go to your house but it was 12:30 am. You said you would come to meet me. I had 15 minutes to get ready. You would be waiting outside. I got dressed. So nervous. Boots on. Less nervous, lol. You messaged me just on 8:30pm. I replied and lit a cigarette as I walked to your car. A blue Nissan Silvia. Nice wheels, I thought to myself. We talked and you played with my hand. Your big strong hands. It turned me on. I trusted you. When you kissed me it took my breath away, choked me a little bit and lightly slapped my face. I loved it. We drove and parked in an alley behind Errol St. (There's something about me and dark alleys lol)You grabbed me again when we parked. "Now, where were we?" You ravished me with your mouth, I loved your hand on my head, and gripping my jaw. Your lips and tongue. The way you sucked and nibbled on my fingers, and how you made me do the same to you, my tongue swirling, teeth nipping softly at the ends of your fingers. Your hand hard on my cunt, rubbing me through my underwear, I knew I was wet. I choked on your cock until you came. I held it in my mouth until you said I could swallow. You smiled at me, and stroked my cheek and I knew I'd done well. You told me you wanted to see me again. I was already looking forward to it. I made myself come later before I went to sleep. Thinking of how you smelled and tasted, how you looked and felt, what you did to me and how you did it. We'll talk later. I miss you already. I'm so addicted to this.

Yawn...

I met him at 4:00pm he was a little late, but he texted me to let me know. He seemed like a decent guy, but I think he was too "exciting" for me. He seemed unimpressed with the fact I hadn't been skydiving, bungee jumping, etc. I even made a little joke saying "I must seem a bit boring " and he actually agreed! It seemed sort of irrelevant to me. I'm not sure what he was expecting. I got the sense that he really wasn't that interested in me, he seemed preoccupied. Like, whatever lol, he was boring the pants off me. He walked me down to the tram stop on Elizabeth st and we agreed to catch up on msn. I know now why my instincts were saying this one is not quite right. So I spoke to him later, and the first thing he says is - "Are you horny?".....then "How many times did you masturbate today?". Needless to say I haven't spoken to him since, lol. What an imagination! ;)

I'm a bit bored...

I am meeting a guy called Rick at 4:00pm. I'm not too keen on him. My instincts are saying he is a tool. Maybe it's my doubt. Anyway, I'll wait and see. Nah. I'm being a pessimist. We are meeting at Cookie on swanston. I think the reason I'm not that keen is because i just realised there isn't much chemistry between us. Between me and F there was palpable tension. Our online chats are pretty sexy but boring. He's not very stimulating. That's it! He's boring lol.

I had an argument because I said to another "friend" I'd been speaking too that I didn't want a relationship. He was quite affronted and I do feel sad that he got that idea but..I have to be strong. And try desperately not to be nasty or lead anyone on. There seems to be a fine line between having a play when chatting and putting the wrong thing across. Oh well. What can a girl do? I'll get this meeting over and done with. Then I can relax. I'm going to see my ex over easter, I think we're going to have dinner.

I don't even know what I want yet. Nobody can expect anything of me until I know that myself. So there. I won't be manipulated by men that think they have some sort of right because they are dominant and I am submissive. Anyone who is not prepared to first respect me as a person, and embrace the whole me not just my sexuality, will not gain my devotion. Phew. Rant. I've got more to say but I don't know how to articulate it.

bella xo

Silly joke.

I couldn't figure out what was happening. She had descended deeply into subspace, and her voice had become tiny and difficult to hear over the music we had playing for our scene. I had her well-trained to orgasm on command, and I could easily speak loudly enough, when ordering this, to be heard over the classical piece playing on the stereo. She, however, was unable to summon the strength or the willpower to speak up, so I had stopped our play until I could make out what she was saying.

Every time I asked her what she had said, she would shudder uncontrollably, deep in the throes of another orgasm. I was powerless to help her... or to stop her from possibly causing herself injury. Her barely audible voice kept repeating something that I could not make out.

Once again, she whispered out her plea... and once again I replied...

"Come again?"

I am a title

Well. Where to start. I'll just tell the story. So he messaged me at 8:30, I was ready to go and off I went. He was parked on the opposite side of the road and I could feel his eyes on me as I walked towards the car. I wore my boots again. My boots are significant. When I put them on everything seems to fall into place in my head. My confusion seeps away and I am not challenged by my ego or my conditioning. They seem to strengthen me. Anyway enough of the blah.

He asked if I was ok to go for a drive, I said I didn't mind. I was so nervous. I told him so. Before I left I felt as if I was going to pass out. It was a healthy nervousness though. I never realised exactly how empowering giving in to my "dirty" desires could be.

We drove around for a few minutes, then he found a perfectly dark alley. He reversed up towards the end and I swear I felt like I was in some sort of movie. We sat as he turned the car off and there was a moment of well..hi.

He asked me if I liked being blindfolded. I said yes. He intructed me to open the glovebox and that there was something inside a bag, I was to take it out. It was a leather blindfold. In the darkness, I mistook it for black but when I got home later that evening, I took it out and realised it was blood red. Mmmm. Perfect.

I was so pleased, I asked if he wanted me to put it on and he chuckled, yes. He fastened it around my head, I could smell the clean leather smell and it was killing me. "Is that too tight?" no, I replied, my mind agreeing that it could be tighter. "I want you to just sit there, while I admire you." I had worn a black satin skirt, brown knitted jumper (it was so cold) my boots and no underwear. I'd also forgotten that I had knocked out an earring while getting ready and hadn't put it back on. Tsk tsk. I sat in the darkness, revelling in how having the blindfold on was making me feel.

Slight interjection. Now I am just making this up as I go along. I really have no idea of the way to act, particular etiquettes or customs. I am doing what feels right to me. Both times I have been with this man, I have not had an orgasm. And it hasn't seemed important. Is that strange? I love the fact I cannot see, it heightens my stimulation unbelievably. What is it about my persona that likes to be at the mercy of a person?

I had a moment of feeling really crap. I felt like crying. What sort of women with integrity and respect allows this to be done to her? But I rode that moment and came out the other side stronger and more resolved. I like it. My respect and integrity are not demeaned by my desires. My desires do not make me a bad person.

I love heels! Totally random, but I just put a pair on and I love them! I have to meet my friend for lunch soon.

So, back to the story. There I am sitting blindfolded in a dark alley with a man I have met so he can fuck my mouth. "I want you to feel safe" I felt the tension drain out of me. I relaxed into the chair and spread my legs a little. "Good girl" I sat there for what seemed like forever, his fingertips caressing my bare thigh, my heartbeat racing and my breath catching in my throat. He motioned with his hand for me to give him better access so I perched my leg up high on the side of the car door. He teased me for an eternity, but I didn't want it to stop. You know that feeling of when you want it so bad but you don't want it handed to you. You want to have to struggle and beg to get what you want. I like the denial. It really fucking excites me.

His hand gradually crept up my thigh till he was brushing his fingertips over my clit. I hiked me skirt up higher and moaned my appreciation, and his touch became more purposeful. I felt like he was going to make me cum, but I was so high from the situation that it would creep in and then creep away. He told me to wet his fingers with my tongue, then put his fingers down my top and started twisting my nipples. I was instructed to hold my tongue out, firm and he occasionally would lean in and lick it with his tongue, or bite my lip. He would suckle near my ear and I must say that has always driven me wild, even before I began to explore this part of my sexual psyche.

Your Psyche is Red

You are bright, bold, energetic, and intense. Your upbeat, zany energy inspires those who are down. Spontaneous and playful, you also have a courageous and fearless side. When you are too red: you are angry, overprotective, and truly scary. When you don't have enough red: you are depleted and lifeless.

What Color Is Your Psyche?

Funny. Anyway, where was I? Ooo. He told me turn over on to my left side and lift my skirt up to expose my ass. Started playing with my cunt then my ass, a few light spanks. As he was fingering me I felt his warm tongue on my ass cheek. Divine. "I want to put my cock in your ass, but I think it's too big." I said I could take it. At this point I am still facing the window, blindfolded, my wet cunt and ass exposed. I hear him putting on a condom. "Thank you " I say quietly. "It's the only way, bella." He tries to fuck me in the ass but it hurts as I let him in. The angle was all wrong. He asked if it was hurting? Yes, I whimpered and he says we will stop. I said if I lay on my stomach and him on top of me I could take him. He was such a gentleman about it. I wanted it so much but I guess the moment had passed.

He took the condom off and told me to turn around, I took his cock in my hand and I stared at where I thought it should be. "You remembered." He told me to use my mouth. In my eagerness, I scraped him with my teeth. He told me off sternly, "I want your tongue and lips, not your teeth." I continued, gagging when his cock hit the back of my throat. He continued his assault on my ass, occasionally spanking me. I asked if I could see him and he slid my blindfold off. He was beautiful and so was his hard cock. He told me to open my mouth and masturbated his cock against my exposed tongue. "When I tell you engulf it you will and you will not waste a drop, is that clear?" "Yes..I know I wasted some last time." "Yes, you did and that won't happen this time..."

He kept masturbating and when he shot in my mouth I sucked every last drop of cum from his cock. He groaned as he climaxed, "Good girl". I rested my chin on his stomach, and looked up at him as he caressed my head. I scooted up a bit and kissed him gently on the mouth, then buried my face in his chest. "You smell good." "Do I?" he chuckled. "Did you really buy this for me?" "Yes". "I love it" We stayed like this for awhile longer then I went to fix myself up.

We sat in silence, then somehow got chatting. I think I asked him if it would go further between us. It turns out he is on a journey as well. He is in the middle of a divorce. He talked for awhile, I got the sense he hadn't really been able to open up to anyone properly. I sat holding his hand and stroking his arm, listening and interjecting occasionally. He even questioned his ability to be a Dom, but I think he was backing away, because he still had feelings for his wife. I told him not to underestimate himself. We got to such an amicable point, I think we were both lost for words. I couldn't help but giggle when he was pulling up his pants. It was just beautiful.

We probably won't see each other again like that, but we might catch up for a drink sometime. Who knows. I'm just satisfied that I was lucky enough to meet this sweet, gorgeous man who fulfilled one of my fantasies. Who helped me learn so much more about my self, and who acted with dignity, respect and integrity at all times.

I sort of wish we could take it further, we had such strong sexual chemistry, but it seemed to fizzle after we became buddies. Funny. Only time can tell I suppose. I know I want more. So much more. I wish that I could explore more with him but I'm happy to just let it be what it was. We had what we had and I loved it. When I got home later, I took out my blindfold and just smelled it. Relived the moment. The power of it made me cry. I was literally holding it to my chest and sobbing with joy. Is that weird? I'll always have my red leather blindfold to remind me.

He dropped me off in front of my house and I kissed him on the cheek goodbye. Twice. I was just feeling so much affection for him. "We'll keep in touch, yeah?" "Definitely" he replied. "Can I send you dirty messages?" I asked with a cheeky grin on my face. "Of course, I think I'd like that." he smiled.

So, there you have it. Amazing. I love it all. I want more. Post again soon.

bella xo

Its as I say..everything is in its place.

Can't write now. Just a few notes. Dark alley. Red leather blindfold as a gift!! And then the talk. Amazing. Revelation. I'm very happy. Must sleep now, have to be up at 5:00am. Argh!

bella xo

"You want me to fuck your mouth this evening?"

I didn't text or call him. I was so close to it today on the train on the way home from work. Then he messaged me. The relief. Is this normal? I am struggling with my ego. It keeps telling me that I'm nothing but a hooker to him. It is probably true. He's probably married. I'm going to let it run its course anyway. I have never been a slut, so maybe it's a good time to try it. This is totally fucking with my mind and I love it and hate it at the same time. He's taking me for a drive at 8:30. As a favour to me, he is going to fuck my mouth. I will owe him.

I want more than this. So impatient. I hope I mean something to him. Not relationship wise. Just that he thinks of me. Lusts after me. I am living in a fantasy world. But I want to stay here.

I want to be spanked
I want to be fucked
I want him to eat my dirty little cunt
I want to suck on his cock or have it rammed into my mouth
I want him to lick my asshole and then fuck it with his cock
I want him to show me off
I want to be his property
I want orders and directions
I want restrictions
I want to eat what he orders for me
I want to drink what he says I can drink
I want to be tied up and blindfolded
I want to try being whipped
I want him to force me to lick another girls cunt
I want to play I'm a kitten
I want to look really sexy so he knows he chose well
I want him to want me so much he has to punish me

Well...off I go..does anyone have a spare map?

I hardly know myself. I got a haircut on Saturday and it looked really good. It's funny how some hairdressers have the same personal awareness as some nurses. What i mean, is that they don't need to make conversation, yet if it's appropriate they can also set you at ease. They made me a beautiful espresso coffee, and I was napping half the time because I felt so relaxed. It's a very nice salon.

I bought a pair of knee high black leather stilettos. (is that too many descriptive words?) They looked sexy, and I welcomed the slight discomfort they caused my feet when I wore them out on Saturday night. My first pair of boots. I abhor the thought of foot binding, but there's something about wearing shoes that hurt your feet, yet look absolutely stunning, that echoes of that practice.

On Sunday I wore a belted dress, stockings, sexy underwear and my new boots. At 6:00pm I was meeting a man that had messaged me through a BDSM site I had made a profile on. I replied to his message with an invitation to chat via IRC - his reply entailed how he did not get a chance to go online much, he gave me his mobile number and encouraged me to call him. This all sounds so clinical but I'm on a roll so I'm not stopping.

I really should start at the start, so let me begin by telling you a bit about myself. I'm a confident, intelligent, sexy women in her mid twenties. I work hard as a nurse and I love my job. I consider myself to be very attractive but I would love to lose a few kilos and tone up. I moved to Melbourne nearly two years ago, after I decided it was time for a change. I had been seeing my first serious boyfriend at the time for almost 4 years. I think we stayed together out of comfort as well as love, but we both became dissatisfied in the end.

Our sex life was great to begin with. Horny teenagers. We had lost our virginity to each other, but in hindsight I feel like we were out of synch sexually a lot of the time. I always secretly wanted him to take charge, but he preferred me to be more assertive in the bedroom, he liked it best when I was riding him, whereas I liked him above me holding my hands firmly down on the mattress over my head, or fucking me doggy, nice and hard......but he never really got it.

The last time we had sex, I asked him to be rough with me. I knew it would be the last time we would fuck and something snapped inside me. We had played around with blindfolds and light bondage before but I felt different that night, I wanted to be punished. I pushed him to be nasty, egging him on with my words. He was hurting and angry and I think that opened up something in him. He choked me with a scarf and slapped me on the face a few times. Fucked my ass hard until he came inside me. At this stage of my life I had no definition for this sort of sexual behaviour, but I fucking loved it, as warped, angry and scary as it was.

To cut a long story short, I broke up with my boyfriend, started working as a nurse, and met, then began seeing a man who was 20 yrs my senior. We chatted online for a couple of months, then progressed to calling for ridiculous lengths of time. It was a fabulous love affair, and to this day he is still one of my closest friends. How scandalous, I hear you say, but I believe we were meant to meet. He helped me learn so much of myself, and not just sexually. Although we did have fucking amazing sex. Funnily enough, he was fitter and sexier than my first partner ever was. I told him I how I liked to be spanked, punished and fucked hard. He was only too happy to oblige, he was a fairly assertive person in his everyday life, he would worry that he would hurt me if we got too rough, but I couldn't get enough.

When we see each other now I still like to be playfully submissive, but at the end of the day he was quite sexually conservative. He loved the "dirty" and "kinky" side to me , but how could I explain to him that I wanted to explore so much more?

We stayed together for 2 years in total but in the end we decided to go our separate ways, he had family committments and I didn't want to destroy his chance of finding a new wife/companion. I wasn't sure about children, he had 2 sons and was not interested in having more. We both mutually decided to remain friends, and we speak on the phone and meet for dinner sometimes.

I have been single for the first time in my life, in 6 years. I missed the companionship and mock domination for a few weeks, but I am a resilient girl, I dealt with it and moved on. I moved from the suburbs into the city and decided to actively explore what it meant to be submissive, and if I truly identify with the concept of being dominated. I don't want a relationship right now, I just want to play and learn.

To clarify, I'm not a publicly sexual person, I have never had a one night stand, or had the "regrets " in the morning and I don't go out to "pick up". I present myself well, dress smartly and shower regularly, and have always expected the man I'm with to be the same. I don't dress like a tart or in leather, although I have no objection to that sort of play in a private setting, or worn underneath my everyday clothes. I love sex, and I have always believed that I possess sexual strength and integrity, but really, how can you measure something like that?

So after a few more messages back and forth, I thought, stuff this, I'll just text him (I like to take leaps out of my comfort zone occasionally, it keeps me on my toes!) If he's a psycho then I will run away and change my number. Sounds like reasonable plan, doesn't it? That's because I didn't take into account my inherent sluttiness and need to please...

This is what his online profile said:

"Seeking an inherently submissive woman who wishes to explore her sexuality in a trusting and nurturing relationship ... a woman who deserves respect and can take instructions and serve me with purpose, respect and honor."

His replies seemed sincere and measured, but with an undertone of commanding respect. His profile picture looked like something I could really appreciate. He asked if I was free on Sunday evening and I agreed to meet for a drink. I texted him 10 minutes before and asked him if he would like me to wait outside or grab a table. He asked me to wait outside, and said he wouldn't be long. I wasn't nervous, I think by this stage I had transcended any sort of anxiety, I was happy just to let it all happen.

He asked what I would like to drink and I enquired as to what he was having. I think i offered to pay but he ignored my offer, as if he hadn't even heard it. He was having a vodka/cranberry and I asked for the same. We made our way out to the beer garden out the back. It started with general chit chat, then that swiftly progressed to discussing what I had experienced, he insisted that he always used protection which I was adamant about. He asked me about my profile on CollarMe - was it genuine, I assured him it was. (Teach me, use me, punish me, possess me) He asked a lot of questions about my sexuality. We discussed certain scenarios and I must admit I found him even more attractive in person.

He was healthy and fit, he said he didn't do drugs or drink excessively, and he was not impressed with me smoking cigarettes. We talked about how if we spent any amount of extended time together he would expect me not to smoke, which I agreed was appropriate. The first 2 cigarettes I lit I asked if he minded. He seemed unimpressed but allowed me to smoke. The third cigarette I lit, I didn't ask...he was discussing something else, but stopped and commented, "you've lit a cigarette, hmmm" then went on to finish what he was saying, oops...

Another point to clarify. What I have written here is the total truth. There I was discussing my deepest and darkest desires (nice alliteration if I do say so myself) with this man I had only just met. Wearing come fuck me boots, and feeling that spot deep in my belly get warmer and warmer. We had one drink each, he did not try to get me drunk, and said he found it unattractive to see a woman behaving like that.

He asked if i was ready to leave (I had to work early on Monday morning) and I said yes. He said his car was outside and I had a moment of "does he expect me to go home with him straight away?" I loved that he held the door open for me as we left. As we walked to his car, he asked me if I minded being kissed in public, which I don't. We kept walking then he asked if it would be out of line for him to drive me home. I giggled and said it was only 500m away and he could walk me there, but he didn't seem at all interested in that idea, so I accepted his offer and jumped in the front seat. He drove around the corner and parked outside my house.

We kissed for a few minutes, his lips were soft and warm, his tongue flicked in and out and I loved the way he was purposeful, yet still kept me hanging. It was making me even hotter when he bit my bottom lip. I was craving his mouth back on mine, as he pulled apart and looked at me in a questioning way, gauging my response, I suppose.

I apologised for the lingering cigarette taste in my mouth, he offered me a piece of chewy, and we sat in silence for a few minutes, chewing our gum.

I had read and reread all the first meeting guidelines, and I had a safe call set up. Two of my close friends knew the details of our meeting. I had gone over my expectations and swore I wouldn't do anything physically with him until I we had spent a bit more time together. But safety wasn't the problem.

Basically I am a dirty little slut.

We got rid of our gum and he leant in to kiss me again. I felt his hand touch my thigh and I didn't resist when he prompted me to spread my legs. I had all but forgotten that we were less than 10 metres from my front door, I was too caught up in the moment. His hand was cold, it felt nice as he trailed it up my inner thigh. He commented that it was hard for him to touch me with my stokings on. I asked if he would like them taken off, yes. I lifted my ass and slid them down my thighs, leaving them to gather around the top of my boots.

His hand went back to my thigh. "I want to see how wet you are." "Say, touch my cunt." I said it, a shiver going through me at the sound of his voice. "Again" I complied. He made me repeat myself several times, then I felt his fingers stroke my pussy ever so softly through my g- string. I moaned into his mouth, wanting more, but absolutely loving that it wasn't being given to me. He drew my panties to the side. The cool air made my cunt tingle even more, then his fingers were firm on my clit. I was already so wet. "You've got a very nice cunt" he drawled, I thanked him for his compliment. He kept his hand pleasuring me, and said he wanted to show me something.

He lifted his shirt and my pussy twitched as I saw his bulge through his jeans. I couldn't stifle the eager moan that came out of my mouth. He undid his fly, and lowered his pants a bit. "Take it out." I was only too happy to comply and I pushed his jocks down under his balls and took hold of his hard cock in my hand. I always liked the look of my hands on a man's cock as they are quite little. It's a nice juxtaposition. Little girly hands/ big man's cock.

I could feel him looking at me appraising his cock and it made me hotter. Secretly watching the watcher. He was uncut, thankfully not too huge, and I wanted him in my mouth. Funnily enough, the next thing he said was that I wasn't to touch it with my mouth until he said I could. He instructed me to masturbate him. I followed his directions and pulled his foreskin back until he told me to stop. "Now, move your hand up...and down..good girl." I felt proud of myself, that I was able to please him. "Harder" he said, and in my eagerness I started going faster as well, but I caught myself, I think he noticed and I hope he approved. I continued stroking him and staring lustily at his hardness. I had to catch myself when he swept a stray strand of hair behind my ear....even now a day later that simple action overcomes me with lust. He lay his head back and I could hear his arousal.

Small interjection - as I retell this it's making me really hot. I just had a giggle to myself, 10 metres from my front door! In a car!! Am I insane?!? So amusing. I want it again so much but I will explain later why I think that's not going to happen. Ok, I'll continue.

He told me he wanted to touch my ass. I lifted my dress out of the way and I felt his hand trail down my back. I sat up further to give him better access to me, and he murmured his approval. He pulled my g across my ass cheek, probably exposing me to anyone that happened to be walking past, then began alternating between fondling my ass and pussy. I was so turned on I couldn't have cared less if anyone saw me. It was actually heightening my experience.
"Stop." I did instantly and he instructed me to get something out of the glovebox. It was ky, he said that when I felt his finger enter my ass I could touch the tip of his cock with my tongue. As I felt him the tip of his finger enter me, I snaked my tongue out and gently licked the end of his cock. He withdrew his finger and I moved my mouth away. And repeat. He penetrated me deeper and deeper as I sucked him down into my throat. I had only ever done anal sex with my first boyfriend, but after some initial discomfort, I grew to really enjoy it. I was enjoying his finger in my ass now, I synchronised my sucking with his finger. I heard him moan his approval and I felt his other hand on the back of my head, as he told me I was to take control now.

I love sucking cock. Love it. I love the feel of it in my mouth, the smell and taste of a man that is turned on by me. I am a very enthusiastic cocksucker. I always give my best. I took him in as deep as I could, disappointed when I gagged, gradually getting faster and faster, my mouth glued to his cock. He said "I have something for you, that I think you will like" and I knew he was going to cum in my mouth. I increased my pace and when he shot his load in my mouth I loved it. He tasted so good, and I sucked him until I had milked the last drop of cum from his cock. He tilted my head up to meet his eyes. "You were very humble about your cocksucking. You have quite a talent there." he chuckled. "You may kiss me gently on the lips". I could still taste him on my lips as I softly did so. He told me I could fix myself up, but I had to wait, exposed, while a group of people walked past. They didn't appear to notice. I pulled up my stockings and pulled my dress down, my pussy still swollen and wet, my ass missing his finger.

I sat for a second and then looked at him. I think he asked me if I was ok. Maybe i'm just hoping he said it. I genuinely can't remember. Warning - fairytale ends here. He then says I'm allowed to go inside now. I say ok, and hesitate a little...is he dismissing me? He leans in and kisses me on the cheek and thanks me. We say goodbye. Nothing else is said, and I really want to ask when or if I will see him again, but I don't do it. I realise it's time for me to get out of the car. I do so, my mind reeling, my pussy aching. I step out gracefully, close the door and walk away, strutting in my boots, towards my door. I know he is watching me the whole way. I can't help myself, and just before I step inside, I turn, wave and give him a little smile. I couldn't see his reaction, I have a feeling there wasn't any. I walk inside and sit on the edge of my bed, my cunt, ass and lips wishing he thought I deserved more of his attention.

I wish now I didn't do that. I don't know why, I think it makes me feel a bit stupid. Sort of like, "Bye!! Tee hee!" if you get my drift. He texted me later that evening. It said, "Thank you for you receptiveness this evening.(is he trying to make a joke, lol) I valued our conversation and time together." That's it. So that explains why I don't think I'll see him again. So, I'm sitting here now thinking a lot of things, positive and negative. I'll make a list, it's easier.

Positive
- Proud that I had the courage to go through with meeting him
- Relief at being able to vocalise and share my desires
- I loved what he did to me
- I learned more about myself
- He seemed genuine the whole time
- I didn't get hurt
- He a good kisser

Negative
- I let him come in my mouth
- The lube in the glovebox bothered me, I have this vision of him driving around town, fingering asses and getting head jobs left, right and centre
- I know most probably I won't hear from him again
- He knows where i live
- Dealing with the dismissal / rejection
- That he was never genuinely interested in D/s, and just wanted a fuck
- I feel used and I question if I did something wrong

Anyway, I'm all written out. As much as I want to call him and say, "Hey, what the fuck did that message mean??" I know i won't. If he doesn't contact me I won't seek him out. I feel like this is the best path to take.

If anyone chances upon this and takes the time to read it, any positive feedback would be greatly appreciated. I intend to continue this record of my journey as a novice submissive and will post again soon.

Bella xo