I hardly know myself. I got a haircut on Saturday and it looked really good. It's funny how some hairdressers have the same personal awareness as some nurses. What i mean, is that they don't need to make conversation, yet if it's appropriate they can also set you at ease. They made me a beautiful espresso coffee, and I was napping half the time because I felt so relaxed. It's a very nice salon.
I bought a pair of knee high black leather stilettos. (is that too many descriptive words?) They looked sexy, and I welcomed the slight discomfort they caused my feet when I wore them out on Saturday night. My first pair of boots. I abhor the thought of foot binding, but there's something about wearing shoes that hurt your feet, yet look absolutely stunning, that echoes of that practice.
On Sunday I wore a belted dress, stockings, sexy underwear and my new boots. At 6:00pm I was meeting a man that had messaged me through a BDSM site I had made a profile on. I replied to his message with an invitation to chat via IRC - his reply entailed how he did not get a chance to go online much, he gave me his mobile number and encouraged me to call him. This all sounds so clinical but I'm on a roll so I'm not stopping.
I really should start at the start, so let me begin by telling you a bit about myself. I'm a confident, intelligent, sexy women in her mid twenties. I work hard as a nurse and I love my job. I consider myself to be very attractive but I would love to lose a few kilos and tone up. I moved to Melbourne nearly two years ago, after I decided it was time for a change. I had been seeing my first serious boyfriend at the time for almost 4 years. I think we stayed together out of comfort as well as love, but we both became dissatisfied in the end.
Our sex life was great to begin with. Horny teenagers. We had lost our virginity to each other, but in hindsight I feel like we were out of synch sexually a lot of the time. I always secretly wanted him to take charge, but he preferred me to be more assertive in the bedroom, he liked it best when I was riding him, whereas I liked him above me holding my hands firmly down on the mattress over my head, or fucking me doggy, nice and hard......but he never really got it.
The last time we had sex, I asked him to be rough with me. I knew it would be the last time we would fuck and something snapped inside me. We had played around with blindfolds and light bondage before but I felt different that night, I wanted to be punished. I pushed him to be nasty, egging him on with my words. He was hurting and angry and I think that opened up something in him. He choked me with a scarf and slapped me on the face a few times. Fucked my ass hard until he came inside me. At this stage of my life I had no definition for this sort of sexual behaviour, but I fucking loved it, as warped, angry and scary as it was.
To cut a long story short, I broke up with my boyfriend, started working as a nurse, and met, then began seeing a man who was 20 yrs my senior. We chatted online for a couple of months, then progressed to calling for ridiculous lengths of time. It was a fabulous love affair, and to this day he is still one of my closest friends. How scandalous, I hear you say, but I believe we were meant to meet. He helped me learn so much of myself, and not just sexually. Although we did have fucking amazing sex. Funnily enough, he was fitter and sexier than my first partner ever was. I told him I how I liked to be spanked, punished and fucked hard. He was only too happy to oblige, he was a fairly assertive person in his everyday life, he would worry that he would hurt me if we got too rough, but I couldn't get enough.
When we see each other now I still like to be playfully submissive, but at the end of the day he was quite sexually conservative. He loved the "dirty" and "kinky" side to me , but how could I explain to him that I wanted to explore so much more?
We stayed together for 2 years in total but in the end we decided to go our separate ways, he had family committments and I didn't want to destroy his chance of finding a new wife/companion. I wasn't sure about children, he had 2 sons and was not interested in having more. We both mutually decided to remain friends, and we speak on the phone and meet for dinner sometimes.
I have been single for the first time in my life, in 6 years. I missed the companionship and mock domination for a few weeks, but I am a resilient girl, I dealt with it and moved on. I moved from the suburbs into the city and decided to actively explore what it meant to be submissive, and if I truly identify with the concept of being dominated. I don't want a relationship right now, I just want to play and learn.
To clarify, I'm not a publicly sexual person, I have never had a one night stand, or had the "regrets " in the morning and I don't go out to "pick up". I present myself well, dress smartly and shower regularly, and have always expected the man I'm with to be the same. I don't dress like a tart or in leather, although I have no objection to that sort of play in a private setting, or worn underneath my everyday clothes. I love sex, and I have always believed that I possess sexual strength and integrity, but really, how can you measure something like that?
So after a few more messages back and forth, I thought, stuff this, I'll just text him (I like to take leaps out of my comfort zone occasionally, it keeps me on my toes!) If he's a psycho then I will run away and change my number. Sounds like reasonable plan, doesn't it? That's because I didn't take into account my inherent sluttiness and need to please...
This is what his online profile said:
"Seeking an inherently submissive woman who wishes to explore her sexuality in a trusting and nurturing relationship ... a woman who deserves respect and can take instructions and serve me with purpose, respect and honor."
His replies seemed sincere and measured, but with an undertone of commanding respect. His profile picture looked like something I could really appreciate. He asked if I was free on Sunday evening and I agreed to meet for a drink. I texted him 10 minutes before and asked him if he would like me to wait outside or grab a table. He asked me to wait outside, and said he wouldn't be long. I wasn't nervous, I think by this stage I had transcended any sort of anxiety, I was happy just to let it all happen.
He asked what I would like to drink and I enquired as to what he was having. I think i offered to pay but he ignored my offer, as if he hadn't even heard it. He was having a vodka/cranberry and I asked for the same. We made our way out to the beer garden out the back. It started with general chit chat, then that swiftly progressed to discussing what I had experienced, he insisted that he always used protection which I was adamant about. He asked me about my profile on CollarMe - was it genuine, I assured him it was. (Teach me, use me, punish me, possess me) He asked a lot of questions about my sexuality. We discussed certain scenarios and I must admit I found him even more attractive in person.
He was healthy and fit, he said he didn't do drugs or drink excessively, and he was not impressed with me smoking cigarettes. We talked about how if we spent any amount of extended time together he would expect me not to smoke, which I agreed was appropriate. The first 2 cigarettes I lit I asked if he minded. He seemed unimpressed but allowed me to smoke. The third cigarette I lit, I didn't ask...he was discussing something else, but stopped and commented, "you've lit a cigarette, hmmm" then went on to finish what he was saying, oops...
Another point to clarify. What I have written here is the total truth. There I was discussing my deepest and darkest desires (nice alliteration if I do say so myself) with this man I had only just met. Wearing come fuck me boots, and feeling that spot deep in my belly get warmer and warmer. We had one drink each, he did not try to get me drunk, and said he found it unattractive to see a woman behaving like that.
He asked if i was ready to leave (I had to work early on Monday morning) and I said yes. He said his car was outside and I had a moment of "does he expect me to go home with him straight away?" I loved that he held the door open for me as we left. As we walked to his car, he asked me if I minded being kissed in public, which I don't. We kept walking then he asked if it would be out of line for him to drive me home. I giggled and said it was only 500m away and he could walk me there, but he didn't seem at all interested in that idea, so I accepted his offer and jumped in the front seat. He drove around the corner and parked outside my house.
We kissed for a few minutes, his lips were soft and warm, his tongue flicked in and out and I loved the way he was purposeful, yet still kept me hanging. It was making me even hotter when he bit my bottom lip. I was craving his mouth back on mine, as he pulled apart and looked at me in a questioning way, gauging my response, I suppose.
I apologised for the lingering cigarette taste in my mouth, he offered me a piece of chewy, and we sat in silence for a few minutes, chewing our gum.
I had read and reread all the first meeting guidelines, and I had a safe call set up. Two of my close friends knew the details of our meeting. I had gone over my expectations and swore I wouldn't do anything physically with him until I we had spent a bit more time together. But safety wasn't the problem.
Basically I am a dirty little slut.
We got rid of our gum and he leant in to kiss me again. I felt his hand touch my thigh and I didn't resist when he prompted me to spread my legs. I had all but forgotten that we were less than 10 metres from my front door, I was too caught up in the moment. His hand was cold, it felt nice as he trailed it up my inner thigh. He commented that it was hard for him to touch me with my stokings on. I asked if he would like them taken off, yes. I lifted my ass and slid them down my thighs, leaving them to gather around the top of my boots.
His hand went back to my thigh. "I want to see how wet you are." "Say, touch my cunt." I said it, a shiver going through me at the sound of his voice. "Again" I complied. He made me repeat myself several times, then I felt his fingers stroke my pussy ever so softly through my g- string. I moaned into his mouth, wanting more, but absolutely loving that it wasn't being given to me. He drew my panties to the side. The cool air made my cunt tingle even more, then his fingers were firm on my clit. I was already so wet. "You've got a very nice cunt" he drawled, I thanked him for his compliment. He kept his hand pleasuring me, and said he wanted to show me something.
He lifted his shirt and my pussy twitched as I saw his bulge through his jeans. I couldn't stifle the eager moan that came out of my mouth. He undid his fly, and lowered his pants a bit. "Take it out." I was only too happy to comply and I pushed his jocks down under his balls and took hold of his hard cock in my hand. I always liked the look of my hands on a man's cock as they are quite little. It's a nice juxtaposition. Little girly hands/ big man's cock.
I could feel him looking at me appraising his cock and it made me hotter. Secretly watching the watcher. He was uncut, thankfully not too huge, and I wanted him in my mouth. Funnily enough, the next thing he said was that I wasn't to touch it with my mouth until he said I could. He instructed me to masturbate him. I followed his directions and pulled his foreskin back until he told me to stop. "Now, move your hand up...and down..good girl." I felt proud of myself, that I was able to please him. "Harder" he said, and in my eagerness I started going faster as well, but I caught myself, I think he noticed and I hope he approved. I continued stroking him and staring lustily at his hardness. I had to catch myself when he swept a stray strand of hair behind my ear....even now a day later that simple action overcomes me with lust. He lay his head back and I could hear his arousal.
Small interjection - as I retell this it's making me really hot. I just had a giggle to myself, 10 metres from my front door! In a car!! Am I insane?!? So amusing. I want it again so much but I will explain later why I think that's not going to happen. Ok, I'll continue.
He told me he wanted to touch my ass. I lifted my dress out of the way and I felt his hand trail down my back. I sat up further to give him better access to me, and he murmured his approval. He pulled my g across my ass cheek, probably exposing me to anyone that happened to be walking past, then began alternating between fondling my ass and pussy. I was so turned on I couldn't have cared less if anyone saw me. It was actually heightening my experience.
"Stop." I did instantly and he instructed me to get something out of the glovebox. It was ky, he said that when I felt his finger enter my ass I could touch the tip of his cock with my tongue. As I felt him the tip of his finger enter me, I snaked my tongue out and gently licked the end of his cock. He withdrew his finger and I moved my mouth away. And repeat. He penetrated me deeper and deeper as I sucked him down into my throat. I had only ever done anal sex with my first boyfriend, but after some initial discomfort, I grew to really enjoy it. I was enjoying his finger in my ass now, I synchronised my sucking with his finger. I heard him moan his approval and I felt his other hand on the back of my head, as he told me I was to take control now.
I love sucking cock. Love it. I love the feel of it in my mouth, the smell and taste of a man that is turned on by me. I am a very enthusiastic cocksucker. I always give my best. I took him in as deep as I could, disappointed when I gagged, gradually getting faster and faster, my mouth glued to his cock. He said "I have something for you, that I think you will like" and I knew he was going to cum in my mouth. I increased my pace and when he shot his load in my mouth I loved it. He tasted so good, and I sucked him until I had milked the last drop of cum from his cock. He tilted my head up to meet his eyes. "You were very humble about your cocksucking. You have quite a talent there." he chuckled. "You may kiss me gently on the lips". I could still taste him on my lips as I softly did so. He told me I could fix myself up, but I had to wait, exposed, while a group of people walked past. They didn't appear to notice. I pulled up my stockings and pulled my dress down, my pussy still swollen and wet, my ass missing his finger.
I sat for a second and then looked at him. I think he asked me if I was ok. Maybe i'm just hoping he said it. I genuinely can't remember. Warning - fairytale ends here. He then says I'm allowed to go inside now. I say ok, and hesitate a little...is he dismissing me? He leans in and kisses me on the cheek and thanks me. We say goodbye. Nothing else is said, and I really want to ask when or if I will see him again, but I don't do it. I realise it's time for me to get out of the car. I do so, my mind reeling, my pussy aching. I step out gracefully, close the door and walk away, strutting in my boots, towards my door. I know he is watching me the whole way. I can't help myself, and just before I step inside, I turn, wave and give him a little smile. I couldn't see his reaction, I have a feeling there wasn't any. I walk inside and sit on the edge of my bed, my cunt, ass and lips wishing he thought I deserved more of his attention.
I wish now I didn't do that. I don't know why, I think it makes me feel a bit stupid. Sort of like, "Bye!! Tee hee!" if you get my drift. He texted me later that evening. It said, "Thank you for you receptiveness this evening.(is he trying to make a joke, lol) I valued our conversation and time together." That's it. So that explains why I don't think I'll see him again. So, I'm sitting here now thinking a lot of things, positive and negative. I'll make a list, it's easier.
Positive
- Proud that I had the courage to go through with meeting him
- Relief at being able to vocalise and share my desires
- I loved what he did to me
- I learned more about myself
- He seemed genuine the whole time
- I didn't get hurt
- He a good kisser
Negative
- I let him come in my mouth
- The lube in the glovebox bothered me, I have this vision of him driving around town, fingering asses and getting head jobs left, right and centre
- I know most probably I won't hear from him again
- He knows where i live
- Dealing with the dismissal / rejection
- That he was never genuinely interested in D/s, and just wanted a fuck
- I feel used and I question if I did something wrong
Anyway, I'm all written out. As much as I want to call him and say, "Hey, what the fuck did that message mean??" I know i won't. If he doesn't contact me I won't seek him out. I feel like this is the best path to take.
If anyone chances upon this and takes the time to read it, any positive feedback would be greatly appreciated. I intend to continue this record of my journey as a novice submissive and will post again soon.
Bella xo
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